Just Say NO!: To Drink and Drug Sodden Men

Imogen Lloyd Webber writes mournfully in Femail about the trouble she's having finding a man who doesn't dabble with cocaine. Poor Imogen.

Her weeks spent trawling local pubs and bars in North London, her weekends linking up with old college chums - in local pubs and bars round the country.

She should perhaps crack her addictive routine and look under different rocks for her prey? Bell ringing at the local church? Life classes? Hiking, twitching and cycle touring? At 30 it's time to branch out from bar life if she is finding 25-40s in pubs and bars too drink and drug sodden. Even when she goes for a bit of rough they're cokey these days.

Presumably Imogen's writing this controversial and cockle chilling paean at this time has nothing to do with the press launch of her new dating book.

Poor Imogen ends with that old Associated Newspapers faithful. Even the loos at Party Conferences test positive for cocaine! What's a nice girl to do? Oh dear. The sad sack hacks who went round Brighton in 2005 taking swabs from toilets instead of following the Walter Wolfgang story - getting scooped by The Morning Star as a result - couldn't make it stick then. As I suggested to Mail comments:

Mmmm. The toilets that tested positive for Cocaine in Brighton 2005 (Labour) were all in the public areas accessible to meejah and exhibitors. Presumably the same went for the other conferences? What a poor piece of journalism that was from the paper(s) concerned!

Not sure they'll print it. It was the Evening Standard and The Mail after all. Meanwhile Femail also reports a sordid trade in free breast implants for "nieces" engaging in endearing chat, engaging pictures and the like that persuades internet "uncles" to sponsor them under the knife.

Dizzy reports that the delightfully acronymed British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons is not amused.

TRIVIA: The guy who used to fix the crews of local roadies for Edinburgh venues - still at it for all I know - was known as Cokey. And his firm? The Happy Humpers.