Clever Old Norman Lamb: One More for the Road

Lucinda: Ten bottles of fizz and four slabs of lager Mr Lamb. Just yourself and Mr Kennedy? Do be careful won't you!! Don't want to be a burden on the taxpayer, now do we sir?! Norman the Red Nose Oh Dear: I said 12 bottles.

How will the maverick Norman Lamb's "pint police", "beer bobbies" and "spirits serjeants" distinguish between people who happen to be drunk - rat-arsed or otherwise - for different reasons and have different causes for being in hospital that are more or less their fault.

A is rat arsed for the first time in 20 years following the funeral and wake of their partner. They trip on a raised paving stone in Lib Dem Liverpool. Or an ex-fireman politician who has just lost five seats takes a swing perhaps.

B is rat arsed because they have had their drinks spiked in the course of a social drink. They are a quiet drunk and doing no harm until they are set upon by BNP supporters in Cheadle near Stockport.

C is rat arsed because they are a new student trying to fit in the weirdly beardly run city of York and happen to a long way off calibrating their capacity for drink.

D is rat arsed because a sexually predatory councillor has been plying them with drinks at an election celebration as a prelude to a pounce. Successfully accomplished. They are beaten up by his more regular partner who is very upset. Location withheld on that one I think.

E is rat arsed because they are a long term alcoholic protected by their colleagues from a proper course of treatment or recognition of their problem. They sprain their ankle in the Newsnight studio tripping up on the way out.

F is a rat arsed millionaire who has been driving the Roller under the influence and killed a couple of pedestrians without stopping on the way to driving themselves to A&E for a minor ailment. By the time they are seen under triage they are no longer rat arsed.

G is a rat arsed homeless and penniless person who has ended up on the streets after prison/Iraq PTSD/domestic fall out/brereavement/redundancy ... who falls out with a comrade in the local wet garden facility.

H is one of twenty rat arsed fun seekers in Lib Dem Restormel in Cornwall who find it hilarious to wear hijabs and carpet squares and pretend to be muslim page three girls. People from non Lib Dem areas boo and hurt their feelings so much they check in to A&E.

J is a senior politician who bumps his head on a light aircraft gull wing door and would cost the taxpayer millions if ever elected to anything serious.
I could go on ... The Mirror, the BBC, The Guardian and the Times do so. Lib Dem Duncan Borrowman thinks that unusually Norman Lamb is chatting fart. Read the great man's thoughts (PDF).