Saturday, February 14, 2009

Rochdale Shenanigans: Rowen Health and Safety Scare

Special Correspondent Ohh Sir Cyril Do Not Touch Me Writes: "The Rochdale Alternative Website are naughty boys. Very naughty boys. If I were their father, or uncle perhaps, or chair of t'trustees would be more likely*, it'd be a case of some good old fashioned PD OTK chastisement when they got home. Until these cheeky boys were red raw. Never did me any harm. A healing sponge and some unction would be ready to hand for afters."

But still, leaving aside RAW's pitiful lack of political correctness for a moment, they do draw attention to a grevious health and safety danger - in da house - as the burgeoning Strasbourg onion gravy belly of Paul Rowen MP threatens to explode firing buttons and sagging blubber everywhere.

What would Paul Rowen's sleazy slap-happy mentor the rather pervey Ohh-Sir-Cyril-Do-Not-Touch-Me recommend?

"Tha's a canny lad Paul. Learned everything tha know at t'masters knee. Tha's build a reasonable foundation. But if tha's going for beyond clinically, that's morbidly obese tha's going to have to slurp more gravy and swallow more tripe and cheese and onion pies. There are no short cuts to larger-than-life me lad. Invite those lads from Turners down is my advice. They'll "buy tha a few slap up dinners", and a doggy bag to boot, if you take my point?"

A fattening programme is already clearly well underway, with the results very much in the public domain, aiming for the state of obesity where, like Ohh-Sir-Cyril-DNTM Rowen will not be able to fit through his own office doorway. He'll then be able to skive off and get more "hands on" with his local and outernational orphanage projects. As Cyril did with his beloved Childer in his beloved Rochdale.

Meanwhile the dedicated follower of fashion Ohh-Sir-Cyril-DNTM recommends a stout cardigan or a reinforced westcoat under the suit jacket to reduce shirt button peril for the government front benches.

COMING SOON: Ooooh Sir Cyril recalls his own skinny and hungry days.

He was once so very malnourished and desperate for vittals that he would root through rubbish bins in the back passages of Rochdale.

Looking for bacon rinds.

Strange but true. Provide a double special builders' breakfast and he'll happily spill the beans for you too.

* Subject to enhanced disclosure CRB check, natch.


Anonymous said...

In the House of Commons photo, is Rowen tweeking his nipple?

Prince Albert said...

Just adjusting the chip on his shoulder I think. Given his moobies there is absolutely no nipple close to his healing hands. Unless he has chains attached to his nipple rings?

Dave Hennigan is a fool said...

Looks like Paul's got more to worry about than his shirt buttons popping off. Dave Ottewell revealed on his blog earlier this week that Rowen is the only Lib Dem MP in the whole of the North West to claim the maximum permitted allowance for staying away from their main home.

This comes after Rowen issued one of his predictably petty point scoring press releases boasting that the Lib Dems were the only party committed to openness and transparency where MPs expenses were concerned - and then typically refused to publish his own! Realising that he was about to get hoisted by his own petard,
he tried to backtrack on his whiter than white, sanctimonious stance with a pathetic 3am posting on Rochdale Online stating he were only a poor Lancashire lad wi nowt given him on a plate and that he's really struggled, like, in London town an ad to make do wi second hand furniture cos he were only a poor simple, working class lad.

So how much second hand furniture did you get for £22,000, Paul?

Chris Paul said...

Which way round has he got his two homes then? Is he buying or renting? And why isn't he on the list at MySociety (I think) of MPs committed to open book? As well as being joint top on accommodation he's in the top 20% on incidental expenses and the top 10% on postage - almost doubled since last year. He's 60th overall.

Presumably he gets an entirely separate set of expenses for his Council of Europe activity? And then there is his mysterious directorship ... in Uganda.

Anonymous said...

That should be top 5% on incidental expenses Chris. God they're at it these Lib Dems. And their b'stard calls for openness and all.

Anonymous said...

and there still hasn't been any transparency from the See Through Kid about how and who he pays for from his Parliamentary expenses and who gets paid from Rochdale Lib Dem funds (wherever they come from).

White Lightning man Dave Hennigan and Adam the WKD Boy Power.

How are they paid and what do they do for the money?

Chris Paul said...

Good questions anonymous. Perhaps there's another instalment of their tricky accounts at the Electoral Commission now? If not they're due soon. Although IIRC the last two sets were submitted well late, and full of inconsistencies and issues. Need a forensic audit from the Federal Party, the Electoral Commission, the Parliamentary Commissioner, and the bloggers ...

Anonymous said...

Even I'm finding that photochop of Rowen as Cyril is really spooky. Paul is lagging behind on the body building front, but he does have the big bones and the appetite for gravy training to carry it off.

Anonymous said...

does Rowen have the balls to be Cyril Smith 2.0 ?

squeezer or squeezee?

Chris Paul said...

He does have the bare-faced cheek, vide asbestos vide Gaza.

Fat Man said...

Word on the grapevine is that Rowen is working hard to cultivate a Cyril gut.. He thinks it gives him gravitas. Makes him look like a big beast. A heavyweight look to hide the fact that he's a political lightweight.

A secret memo found in the skip outside Drake Street also reveals he's had more success in building a flabby girth since he's switched to Wiener sausages. Apparently, the boy Hennigan had been supplying him with 95 per cent fat free Bowyers sausages previously. Despite the fact that Paul was guzzling 300 a day they were making no difference. It took a moment of inspiration from from young Adam Power to convince Paul to move on to the Weiners. Rowen was so angry at the time that he even signed an EDM last December calling for more pork to be put in sausages.

But of course it'll take more than sausages to get to Cyril's level.


Cheese pies....