Sunday, November 09, 2008

Exclusive: Nadine Can Keep Family Secret From Blog

Nadine Dorries has of course Supported the Royal British Legion. She may be out for herself. But unlike Sir Cyril, Baron of Emma Street she'll never put secret business arrangements ahead of keeping up appearances. Will she?

But finally, at last, the gushing blogger Nadine Dorries MP who will normally tell us things we really don't want to know and can in any case scarcely believe - she's such a rampant fibber - about her family. And her supposed childhood and early working life. At least not without a sick bucket close to hand as she paints us a picture.

At last! She's gushed the news we've been waiting for about her daughter ... my "Dorries" plus "Daughter" Google alert tells me so.

Or has she? No she has not. How very disappointing.

This revelation of hers is actually about her youngest having some kind of pathetic crush on the dashing demon Rt Hon Jack Straw (must be all his money?) is NOT what we have been waiting for. And NO NADINE we really don't need to hear some diversionary claptrap about your latest intern tomorrow.

Of course she's lovely. No need to tell us that. Of course she worships the ground or make that water you walk on. We've heard it all before. Again and again and again. Yeuch yeuch yeuch.

Just spit it out woman. Cut to the chase.

What we really want to hear about is your pride that - of all the hundreds of well-qualified applicants for the widely advertised, well-defined but sadly underpaid post of researcher/parliamentary assistant in your Westminster Office - your very own daughter Philippa Storm Dorries has risen, like so much clotted cheese, to the top of the churn.

Against all the odds! Mixed race Scouse-Zambian combo! Even as Hilary cracks the glass ceiling and Obama pushes open the door for the mutts among us, Storm's there to purr through in her kitten heels. So very timely! But still you've not blogged it. What restraint!

Feast on the pathos. The grand daughter of poor soap dodging scousers, as Nads tells it anyway. Daughter of a full-born Southern African no less. With her own mother Nads a frequent claimant - though sadly lying through her teeth - of born-in-a-Council House, dressed by the Sally Army, filthy rags to filthy riches miracle. Barring a few forced sales and the odd divorce and downturn along the way.

She's always been a brave little trouper of course. That being about the time her mum was the anti-life, pro-choice Tory candidate for Hazel Grove. She's even put up with self-inflicted trouble with pestilent bloggers and not just her fantasist mother.

Nadine was perhaps a little too dim to realise she "took Philippa to the danger" as the lawyers might say. By putting their family life into he public domain. Parts anyway, she's actually quite secretive. But even fed the story of dastardly blogger Alex (with a few hundred readers) to The Mail.

Who allegedly have a few more. Though perhaps not as many as Nads thinks she has herself. 800,000 hits in July!!! Ho ho ho. Hum.

So hold the presses. There's now another parliamentarian fashionista in the family. Dorries Two's only gone and secured the top job from Dorries One! They can now hunt the corridors for eligible hubbies as a small but perfectly formed pack of Dorries'.

How on earth have you kept your mum-ly motor mouth so very very schtum these past few weeks Nadine? You must be bursting-but-bursting with pride. Such a tough interview too. It's all been a blessed modern miracle!

She just reached her clever little hand out of the womb, and there it was. The Waterhouse Gothic lifestyle she craved.

Such achievements really should be shouted from the rooftops of the Palace of Westminster. Subject to health and safety, and romancing interns, natch. And arrest and removal. To have overcome not only accidents of birth and mum-like shoe-and-bling-addiction but also the post-Conway scrutiny of any and all Tory parliamentary nepotism, this really ought to be on the blog Nads.

UPDATE Sat 15 at 10:22: Correction. Apologies to Paul Dorries. Not from Southern Africa/Zambia. Liverpool born and bred. Just worked as an engineer in Zambia. Nadine had known him from the 'Pool. And it seems went looking for him when her first marriage finished.

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