Nadine Does the Time Warp: Left Foot In It, Right Foot In It

It is 23:30 on New Year's Eve. No, what's this? One sentence later it is 23:50. And by the time the thing is finished, presumably shorn of the crassest stupidities, impregnated with the most vital Tory lines, and posted another nine hours have passed.

Nadine Dorries MP - that bright star in the Tory firmament - is emptying her head. Into some chap's computer she is happy to share. There has perhaps been a ceasefire, even if the witching hour prospect is not apparently of New York's Time Square, or otherwise a new front has been opened.

It may be a so-called blog. But this is not a permalink:

In thirty minutes it will be midnight and I excuse myself from the table of my host for a pre arranged appointment with his computer to write my New Year blog. The words “hurry, you only have ten minutes” fly at my back. No pressure then.

It really doesn't matter how long you have Nadine. If this is to be authentic Dorries' it will not matter. It will be muppetry and twittery, of that there is no question.

He (Darcy?) follows me into his study with a bottle of the best Champagne I have ever tasted and re fills my glass. I sit in front of his computer which has a screen bigger than the TV in my lounge. This is a serious computer. It is very used to serious input and I wonder how it will react to temporary ownership by a blogging back bench opposition MP.

So called "blogging" back bench opposition MP ...

The technology contained on this desk makes me feel insignificant.

It at least has the good sense to keep its own counsel.

As I begin to type I can imagine the monitor mouthing in disgust “Oh for goodness sake!” I press very firmly before it attempts to cross its keyboard arms in protest and repel me. There is a green light at the top in the middle of the screen. I would not list paranoia as my main fault, however, this computer is either watching me or I have had too much Champagne.

What would the barking Nadine Dorries list as her main fault then? Persistent fibbery, runaway self aggrandisement, sickening lack of recognition of public-private boundaries, and going along with that, let's not forget, that faux sensitivity?

I distract myself by moving my thoughts to things more political.

Which may be post-rationalising code for some serious morning after re-writing of that arrant midnight twaddle ...

As I left Westminster before Christmas the only conversation was speculative general election chatter. Having died away during the holiday it will re ignite upon our return, if for no other reason than it can only be eighteen months away at most.

To be replaced with more arrant twaddle. 18 months being potentially a full third of a term.

In recent weeks I haven’t met anyone of any political persuasion who believes that Labour can win another term, despite the ominous arrival of Mandy - frequently spotted looking down over the debating chamber in the weeks leading up to recess.

Nadine really should get out more. From a situation of just a few hold outs here in Manchester a year ago we've now reached widespread optimism of that historic fourth term, to follow this historic third term and the extraordinary rally in the polls. Which naturally followed not only Mandy's arrival but also my own bold predictions of August 2008.

But what's this? More fascinating insights from Nadine.

My impression of Mandy is that he is both a pragmatist and a strategist. A founder and architect of New Labour, one has to assume his loyalty will be wedded to the cause above the individual.

What on earth is this supposed to mean? That here is a professional politician? Not someone who will be off helping run an oil speculators, a global tobacco empire, a property development business, a couple of city firms before breakfast, superior wallpaper for hoorays and rangers, or an after dinner speaking pantechnicon? Someone with public service and getting things done "for the many not the few" at his core. Whatever may surround that vocation.

If your overriding concern was for the New Labour project to remain in power in the long term, what would your advice to the PM be?

I'm sure Gordon Brown, and indeed Peter Mandelson too, was waiting breathless for Nadine's analysis. And this disdainful "remain in power" rather than the real "get things done for the many not the few" is so very wearing isn't it? The Tories covet the power after all. To get things done for the few not the many I'll be bound. Looking at their traditional yet painfully inexperienced line up of wealth, privilege and dilettante arrogance this conclusion if hard to escape:

Would it be based on damage limitation? Is his job to persuade the PM to go sooner, maybe in June at the same time as the Euro and local elections, rather than wait and see how bad it will be in 2010 risking even bigger defeat?

Wishful thinking from the Labour Party's second Favourite Tory "Blogger". The decision can only be based on "getting things done" and "for the many not the few" meaning that anything less than an overall majority will be extremely disappointing.

But there's more:

As the Christmas holiday period ends jobs are going to fall out of the sky like snowflakes.

Be careful what you wish for Nadine and in what contorted terms ... we know what you're trying to say, even if it is redundancies rather than jobs that you think are going to be falling, I mean rising ...

The economic picture remains gloomy and predicted job losses high and rising. If un-employment tips past the three million mark we may begin to witness civil un-rest as the poor become poorer and the poverty gap widens.

Civil unrest? Like we had last when the Tories broke thew back of the mining industry or came up with the Poll Tax instead of something based on "how big is your house" as they have recently criticised Labour for continuing? If you want to see civil unrest it's Tories like Nadine you need in power.

Issues such as NHS reform and Education simply don’t resonate with families totally absorbed with making ends meet on a day to day basis.

Really, Nadine, you don't understand anything do you? Nothing. Not a thing. People not only want reliable and adequate services. They also want to hope that public sector and public services jobs WILL NOT BE SHED AT SUCH A TIME when the variable part of the economy, based on profit and to a large extent on discretionary spending, is a bit stuck. Not least because of doom mongering.

And we continue to hope that as health and training needs INCREASE there will be no DECREASE in provision as Nadine and Nu Tough Cam appear to be suggesting.

When you lose your job, can’t pay the mortgage and your main worry is do you have enough money to buy food to feed your children before the next benefit payment, I would imagine that political nuances fly straight over your head. All you would be interested in is putting someone in power who can deliver change and throw the economy a life raft.

Of course this is coming from a woman "born in a council house" (not), who knows all about living on the breadline (again, not), and for whom "political nuance" is bread and butter (distinctly not).

As the black cash in hand market exploited by the poorest is also hit by recession, my prediction is that 2009 will be a bleak year with no relief in sight for 2010.

What twaddle Nadine. Black cash? Black cash in hand? Black market? What utter twaddle. It's "black economy" - if you must - and that derogatory idea, of unaccounted for cash in hand, is hardly the exclusive preserve of the poorest. The richest specialise in it.

But what pessimistic twaddle this official Tory line through the prism of dim Nads really is.

Mandelson’s job over the next few months may well be to advise the PM to go sooner rather than later. The advice of MPs will be to wait as they cling onto their seats. Whether or not the election will take place in 2009 is anyone’s call.

Not thankfully Nadine's, or dangerous Dave's. Just now Gordon is not interested in fighting an election. There is a downturn to see off first. But at some point needs must.

There'll never be a great time for the next general election given the backdrop. So when an election comes it will have to be a quickie.

I have favoured June 2009 since the Blair-Brown succession. It is the four-year anniversary. It would help see off the BNP. The need for MORE not LESS mediation of Tory Boy capitalism - as their right reverends pointed out - will remain as clear as can be.

And yes, whenever the election may be Nadine it WILL be about "damage limitation". Limiting, indeed preventing the damage that would almost certainly be caused if Nadine's people were calling the shots.