EXCLUSIVE Nadine Dorries MP: Who is Her Woburn House Sitter?

Under pressure from the Telegraph the raving mythomaniac Nadine Dorries MP revealed, via something too messy to be even called a dog's dinner (c) Sky News, how her so-called house-sitter and child-minder at her first home in the charming nay beautiful and seasonally flowery Cotswold township of "Chiselling Expenses"* was none other than her most recently estranged partner, known all his life as Paul Dorries.

We include this "all-his-life" qualifier here because we noticed of course how "Nadine Dorries" officially called herself "Nadine Bargery" as recently as 2001, perhaps until her candidacy for 2005 in Mid Narnia. 2001 was in Hazel Grove, no relation to The Blears, where believe it or not Nadine presented herself as and was considered a "pro-choice" candidate. Nadine "she'll knock your socks off" Bargery - sticking up for a woman's right to choose! And "living in the constituency" rather than in any of her various owned homes in "Chiselling Expenses".

She had already chosen to make three babies under Paul's copper-bottomed stewardship. Two by then already teenagers. One of whom made the local papers in Stockport over some GCSE drama as I recall. Broken limb was it? Still sat and passed exam! Impressive! Something like that. Paul had of course been a rather wealthy ex-pat mining engineer, a copper-mining engineer, mostly I believe posted in Zambia. See what I've done there?

We don't actually tend to believe Nadine spent much time in the charming nay etc "Chiselling Expenses" after the rather humiliating and non-lucrative sales of the pair's various investment properties in the town. As Nadine has a history of raving mythomania you'll have to forgive our cynicism on this occasion. Perhaps Nadine could make a statement clarifying the number of night's demonstrably spent in the "Chiselling Expenses" "main home"?

We do tend to believe sometime neighbours of Nadine's may have a point when they suggest the so-called "Main Home" in "Chiselling Expenses" may have been a rather occasional and cramped treat. And post humiliating etc sale etc was in fact Mr Dorries' "divorcee" bachelor pad. Nadine of course claimed the routine was that PD minds "main home" and youngest daughter Sunday night to Thursday or Friday night. Then, the story goes, Paul heads off to his "meaningful relationship", no sorry "significant other", while she takes over and irons uniforms (sic) as housey mum with her daughters (sic). Nadine told us this simultaneously romantic fantasy and domestic tale as if this were a weekly occurrence and involved all four Bargery-Dorries women.

But sorry Nads we just don't believe that. And even if it actually were that would not make Paul's flat the "main home" for expenses purposes. Two nights a week, term time only? Say 80/365ths. Can hardly be the "main home" now can it? That would actually be the third point of the triangle, owned by the partner or in this case ex- partner, and so really really unsuitable - as Moron has discovered - to be considered one of an MP's relevant-for-allowances homes.

Can the Honourable Lady perhaps make a further statement?

Like the Right Hoon Margaret Moron of course Nadine has spent some time being a bit of a triangularist in Blighty, laying her hat at times in London, Woburn and charming nay etc "Chiselling Expenses". And like Moron she also has some investment property overseas. Making them each quadrilateralists in the wider view. Like Moron Dorries acquired that portfolio long before either of them were darkening the doors of the HoP with their clever thoughts and brilliant speeches.

But how strange would it be if Nadine's house-sitter, dog-sitter, child-sitter at Woburn were also one and the same Paul Dorries? How strange would that be? It would mean Nadine would have fibbed about his still being house-sitting at "Chiselling Expenses" too. Can the Honourable Lady perhaps make a further statement on that too?

* Name changed to protect the innocent.