Grant Shapps: This Has Got to be the Key Crewe Quote

Blunder expert Mr Shapps said, Friday pm, live on Channel 4Newsnight:

The Conservatives are now the party of opportunism

Britain's Got Talent: Singing Plumber From Glasgow

Seeing tonight last shake down from 170-odd "talents" to just 40 we were entertained by a shyly charismatic Singing Plumber. This reminded us of the Ould Lammas Fair* in Ballycastle were the streets are lined with stalls providing cassettes and even CDs of The Singing Postman, The Singing Fireman, any number of Singing Farmers, and so on and so forth.

I'm reminded that the last time my ears experienced this occupational cacophony I remarked: "Shame there's no Singing Singer!" You had to be there. They weren't Shirley Bassey to be sure, but they were bad.

Local lad Scott Rankin gives a flavour of the "Singing XYZ" phenomenon in his Music selection at My Space.

ABOVE: "The Grinning Children" at Giant's Causeway.

* FOOTNOTE: As opposed to the Old Llamas Fair which is presumably held in a field adjacent to Edward Timpson's faux farmhouse. It was priceless hearing ET, given the chance of a 60 second blurb on Radio Five Live, including the strident statement: "Those llamas were not mine" which must have been clear as mud to most innocent listeners.

Luke Akehurst: Sad to Have Missed the Name Calling

Luke Akehurst is back from his hols and moderately to strongly FOR attack tactics, even though they seem to have led to nothing useful in Crewe. It seems to me we might have done far better in that contest with little or no negativity, fewer leaflets, more mea culpas, more local issues, and a great celebration of the Dunwoody G. legacy.

We would also have benefitted reputationally going forward by being a bit more subtle with any necessary attacks. The Lib Dems used a Conservative-gone-native and his view of ET to keep their attack on the Tory at arms length.

Luke's answer for the next two years is to follow the John Major example and skewer any policies, philosophies or aspirations the Tories are bold enough to present ... plus simultaneous triangulation to win key blocks of votes. Seems to me that if that second part's the answer it's because the wrong question's being put.

PICTURE: Where menage Akehurst spent by-election day.

David Cameron: Time to Disown and Deselect Dorries?

Will David Cameron now disown this woman and her mad friends? The ones that slag off Islam and draft amendments that HE himself votes for? Make sure she is deselected too? Hat tip: Recess Monkey.

London: Seems Voters Elect Clown Get Mad Axe Man

Tory Troll bears the news of the asset stripping that now faces London.

UPDATE Sat 9:42: Boris Watch finds the brilliance of TfL under Ken in reducing crime and ASB highlighted in a Boris-era Press Release.

Nadine Dorries: Line by Line Fisk of 20 weeks Speech

Unity has given Nadine Dorries' silly speech in the house a jolly good fisking.

Iain Dale: Saddling Birmingham with Lord Digby Jones

Iain Dale has been to Birmingham for the sixth time in his life, without the correct dress for the event he was speaking at, but is happy to recommend a mayoral way forward - Lord Jones no less - for the poor old "Second City".

Birmingham isn't really second city ... it just has a much more extensive incorporation through a quirk of history. Manchester has its eight/nine satellites totalling some 2M or so. Plus another 2M in wider journey to work area.

But there're more famous and VIP Brummies than Jasper Carrott - come on Iain!

Including significant industrialists, scientists and thinkers e.g. in the Lunar Society which has had a latter day revival.

But music is just one area where there are more notable Brummies than Iain can conjure up. Sir Simon Rattle is a scouser, though strongly identified with Brum. But in popular music there are dozens of native candidates.


Ozzie Osborne would be a more amusing choice as mayor than Lord Jones. The Wiki listing of notable Brummies omits Steel Pulse, Musical Youth, two tone acts from the city region, Benjamin Zephaniah, and though it has UB40 it is pretty damned ethnocentric.

Asian-led popsters Cornershop are a near miss with their leader Tjinder Singh born and bred in Wolverhampton. More Music data.

Digby Jones? Jasper Carrott? My arse! Ozzie Osborne? Tjinder Singh? Benjamin Zephaniah? Jamelia? Joan Armatrading. Now you're talking.

Cameron Live From Crewe: "The End of New Labour"

Just watched Cameron live from Crewe reflecting on what he is calling "the end of New Labour here on the streets of Crewe and Nantwich".

Hopefully this by-election will be the death knell of silly stunts, not least from the Tories whose by-election effort in Ealing Southall so recently was of course chock full of silly divisive tricks and communalism.

If "New" Labour is finished too, so be it from my point of view. If triangulation is done for too, great.

Let's have Just Labour back instead. Then the country can be saved from Cam's phoney, rather slimy reach to those that need Labour to fight for their interests. Let's leave Class War to Ian Bone's anarcho-syndicalist Class War.

Nadine Dorries: Making Ayes at Frank Field MP

The lifelong fibber Nadine Dorries reckons the vote to retain the 24-week limit on abortion was party political around here (NB still no proper permalinks). I think that's wrong. There simply was no evidence to change the limit.

The abortion question was a parasite on the fertility and embryology bill. Not a bad thing to have a serious debate on it every ten years or so. But a parasite on the bill none the less.

It was government business, whipped or not. Some opposition politicians vote against government business by knee jerk, whipped or not. And repeat, there simply was no evidence to change the limit.

Nadine actually wants a nine-week limit - at most - and she has baffled serious scientists and clinicians with a stream of palpable untruths, unevidenced anecdotes and doubtful denials.

Apparently changing Frank Field's mind nonetheless.

Conservative Cobblers (C2): Dale Spews Socio-Babble

The graduate linguist and blogging expert Iain Dale eschews economics for a bit and tries sociology on for size. "What does he know about that?" I hear you cry. "Not a lot!" is the obvious answer on reading this relentlessly speculative Torygraph piece. Though it is quite true that Cobblers are in Category C2.

Unless they own the firm in which case they are ABs whether they are in Burke's Peerage like Prezza, Cilla, Doddy and Sian Lloyd or not. But if it's Conservative C2 Cobblers you want, Dale's your man. IMAGE: Blackberry Cobbler on Camp Stove (recipe).

OOOPS SORRY: If your Internet Nanny is set to refuse clicks towards the Telegraph you can read an excerpt at Dale's blog.

Paddy Power: Huge Betting Opportunity for Crewe

The Political Betters have spoken. The Toffs are of one voice. Humble cobbler Eddie Timpson will win, no question.

What an opportunity!

All the voters of Crewe have to do is this:

* Go to polling station.
* Vote Dunwoody.
* Go to paddypower.com
* Bet on Labour to win at lovely handsome odds.

Let's be honest. You only get 3p in the pound for ET win just now. That's bet £1, get £1:03 back if he wins. Meanwhile you can put a pound on Dunwoody and get at least £20 back just now when she wins. Brilliant! And your votes decide whether you win!

All vote Labour on the QT then go to the betting shop late on and bet the farm. Encourage your friends to do likewise! That way they can have a double kicking.

Paddy Power are apparently already paying out on a Tory win.

In London the same firm had the decency to wait until the polls closed (just) to pay out on Boris. In this case they are paying out before the polls even open.

This crass marketing exercise, rather like Cameron's non-policy announcements, offers a super fun opportunity for sporting folk. Particularly those with votes in Crewe and Nantwich.

Bet on Labour, vote Labour, or vice versa.

Pass Go, Collect £200. Or very similar winnings.

Iain Dale: Politicians and Their Interesting Cars

Now that's what I call quite interesting. Dale is after politician-petrolhead anecdotes. Just here. If Iain Dale was a car marque which would he be? Local and national politicians? Other bloggers? Guido Fawkes? Tom Watson? Nadine Dorries? Tim Ireland? Alex Hilton? Rupa Huq?

That last one is quite pressing actually. Due to Rover head gasket failure Dr Roops is in the market for a suitable budget but charismatic vehicle for a DJ-ing Academic Politician, one young child, no significant other (but that's the next project!), daily school run and moderate commute.

Answers in a comment purlease.

Nadine Dorries: Two Million Hail Marys For You Me Girl

Nadine Dorries has yet to blog about the great victory for science, common sense and humanity at Westminister these last couple of days. But the self appointed Princess of the Blogs, still without serviceable permalinks, protests: God Help Me!, denying she has any religious impetus in her crusade to restore ten thousand Vera Drakes to their place as vital cogs in society. Over to Nads:

Apparently now I'm a religious fundamentalist! Of all the arrows I've had slung at me since I picked up abortion, that has to be the most ridiculous.

To be or not to be? That very much is the question. But slings and arrows in a twist there Nads? But pray do explain, I know you want to.

Am I a Christian? Yes I am. Do I go to Church? Occasionally. Do I pray? Sometimes. Do I believe in God? Yes. Does this make me a freak? Well, if it does, we're a nation of freaks, that's all I can say.

Really? I don't suppose that many people asked in a political interview to name their hero ever say "Jesus" though. That's a bit freaky that is. Way way back in November 2005 that was.

Almost everyone I know believes in a God. It may not be the same God as mine, they may not go to the same Church as me, but they do believe in something.

If this is the case Nads you really do need to get out more. Widen your circle of friends. Stop talking to all those half-arsed academics and clinicians you seem to consort with.

My position on abortion is motivated by my experience as a nurse, witnessing late botched abortions.

How many student nurses of 19 get to witness, or in some versions of the tale take control of, an abortion or abortions, botched or otherwise?

And then go on to sell their business and become a Director of the "abortion industry" (sic) stalwart BUPA?

I will say this once again - I am not a religious fundamentalist !!!!

But at least you have a church to fall back on, and one that allows confession and absolution. You must be glad it's all over.

Get in that Confessional Nads, enjoy the Sacrament of Penance and get that lifetime of damnable fibs of yours off your chest.

You're a disgrace. Two million Hail Marys for you, me girl. There is also this non-denominational effort at which you may get off more lightly.

GuF's Burkage: Toffs' Bible Ain't What It Used To Be

Oh No! House-arrestee Paul "GuF" Staines has nicked Chris Whiteside's story almost exclusively found that Labour's candidate in Crewe & Nant is listed in Burke's Peerage.

GuF claims this is because she is a "Toff".

Could he have a point for once? Probably not.

How about Prezza? Doddy? Cilla? Dennis Skinner? Liz Dawn? Sir Alex? Amy Winehouse? Most of whom are also listed in Burke's. And where does this leave Burke's?

Why ET, or at least his dad Sir John Timpson CBE, is not listed I have no idea. There are jumped up used car salesmen and llama farmers in there I tell you. Bruce Forsyth and Ant & Dec are also said to be aggrieved. But that's show business for you.

UPDATE 09:30 AM: Lovers of social mobility will note that while great Irish and American Families are included there seems to be little space for many equivalent "people of colour" - even if they have peerages. Try Warsi and Waheed. Or Obama. Lord Alli is there however. But the Muhammed Ali - the sole Ali - they have is trade who has probably paid to be there. Click images for some examples.

Political Betting: Will Alan Milburn Go After Brown?

The Liberal pundit Mike Smithson, who has an excellent grapevine, has been told that Alan Milburn may attempt a coup after Crewe. Lots of responses to that.

Graham Brady MP: Postcards From The Edge

The MEN's Dave Ottewell reports Graham Brady MP's continuing campaign to get up David Cameron's nose, this time over Cocaine use, rather than rubbing his nose in it at Alty Grammar School.

Might be a good time to reprise the MEN shock horror cover story David ... Cocaine: The Hidden Epidemic ... that found coke traces rampant ... but not in bars and clubs or Town Halls. Where then? At the MEN, GMP, and NHS Hospitals!

As it goes one of the Headteachers I studied under ran off with his secretary, and he was a Christian Brother and all; while a successor Head at another school was disgraced over his cocaine use, which to his credit he admitted, and suspected over nicking the boys' confiscated cocaine, which he sadly strenuously denied.

The affair lost him him a promotion ... in South America I believe.

Liverpool Lib Dems: Disgraced Storey as Mayor?

Cllr Louise Baldock (Labour) crunches the numbers of special responsibility payments likely to be available to Bradley/Storey loyalists.

There are about 26. That's handy as 26 stuck by the failed fireman and his firefighting £63 Million budget cuts. Eight of these bribery posts were deemed excessive in an independent audit. Down from ten.

The appointments committee was STUNNED INTO SILENCE at the news that disgraced ex Leader Mike Storey will be Liverpool's Lord Mayor in 2009-10. That presumably being the price he demanded for HIS loyalty to his co-conspirator/puppet.

If that is Liverpool's full council today endorse these decisions.

My feeling is that there is considerable scope for rebellion and even crossing the floor action from at least 20 disgruntled, possibly even principled Lib Dems.

PICTURE: Nicked from blogger Alex Lanson on the occasion, just a few months ago, of Storey, the utterly disgraced bully and failed ex-Leader, being honoured by Nick Clogg, in matching soft Tory tie. It's for "lifetime endeavour".

Alex has also noticed a way of telling "here be Lib Dems" ... Hywel Morgan can add the tip to his next Soft Canvassing and Jiggery Pokery guide.

Crewe and Nantwich: Dunwoody Leads ET by 5%

There is one good poll at least for Tamsin Dunwoody HERE. And it's open until Thursday. And it has the Tory "Con men" and Liberals in a two horse race for THIRD! Also lots of good, local and even-handed flavour. The By-Elections blog is also ticking over nicely. Not so sure about the strand at Democracy Forum.

Transport of Delight: Redneck Joining Rosa Parks?

History is made. Iain Dale tells us the story of how the West Was Won. Likely to go down in the annals of passenger transport race relations along side fellow American Rosa Parks?

I think not.

How obnoxious. To tell someone in so many words to shut up or fuck off on a Tube Train, and then be surprised when everyone else in the carriage thinks you're a right cow.

Probably didn't deserve the spittle in the face. But who knows? We weren't there.

The partisanship and hatred of the quoted retelling demeans Mr Dale's blog. So soon after he ran another unsupported, partisan anecdote of a Tory lying and being welcomed into a Labour PPC's family meal.

Standards really are slipping. "in so many words" has been added for clarity as Diablo is acting dim in comments.

Lib Dem Leadership: Another NW Leader Clings On

Further to news of Lib Dems Leaders holding onto their jobs despite poor results for fireman Bradley in Liverpool and mediocre results for goon Ashley in Manchester here, local Con man Iain Lindley reports how probably the most successful of them, Norman Owen of Salford, - who actually gained seats - has also held on narrowly.

Bradley is possibly the odd one out as his personage wouldn't look better in the traditional beard, sandals, chunky sweater and real ale. However this modernity seems to come with escalating levels of dirty tricks to keep his ill-used power.

Yesterday's Liverpool Daily Post gives the run down on yet another scandal in which he and/or his henchpeople smeared his main rival with a dossier which Bradley ADMITS he obtained from the Chief Executive just recently but whose onward distribution - posted out on the Saturday before a crucial meeting on the Monday - he dubbed: "crass, to say the least".

Particularly getting caught at it Warren! Probably significant given the relative closeness of the result. Bradley got 26 votes while his combined rivals took 20.

Bradley (right with some property magnate or other) and his puppeteer ex-Leader Mike Storey are of course still waiting for decisions on 26 separate counts of alleged breaches of the Code of Conduct. Divided into five clumps of clowning and corruption at the link.

Today's Liverpool Echo also carries news that Bradley is pressing on with £63,000 of payments to his chums - even though an independent remuneration panel decided that, in the case of Liverpool Council, these deputies did nothing to justify the payments.

Far be it from LOL to suggest that these ten paid roles - in the gift of fireman Bradley, above and beyond the other 16 or so other remunerated roles - may have helped the perpetually failing clown hold on to power.

He got 26 votes ... one for each of 26 alleged Code of conduct violations ... there are about 26 paid jobs ... now let me see ... probably just a coincidence. But it looks like it will take the Standards Board, a humungous further scandal, or a by-election or three to bring the man down. His Back to Basics Pledge is just, ahem, more hot air.

Cameron Dog Whistle: Inconsequential Tax Cut Drivel

If Iain Dale were not a simple mouthpiece for the Tories - My Party Right or Wrong - he'd have come up with a better post and more robust headline than Cameron Signals Change of Emphasis on Tax and Spend.

What Cameron actually signalled was still further emphasis on marketing and hollow meaningless announcements.

Meanwhile Dale has yet to apologise for publicising the dirtiest trick of the by-election so far. Far more of a sin than the original miscreant. And with a relish that belongs to no gentleman.

The other, non-Dale, Conservative Press Release - without the pleas for abandonment of families and more concern for people like himself - is right here. And click here for Cam's Con Man Drivel in Full.

FACT: Lower tax burden than under Maggie
FACT: Smaller State than under Maggie
FACT: Fairer tax than under Maggie
FACT: Better pensions than ever before
FACT: More employed than ever before
FACT: More Police and PCSOs, Lower Crime
FACT: Better Hospitals, More Clinical Staff
FACT: Better Schools, Results and Teachers
FACT: More in Higher Education than Ever
FACT: More in Work than Ever Before
FACT: Delivery Not Sophistry!

GRAPHICS: Top BBDO originally prepared this more than a year ago. About Brown. But this has been sorted out WITH middle income households given a further boost. Perhaps Cameron is the New Hoody? Left is USA Chart showing how George W Bush fared after his similar rhetoric to Cam's.

Paul GuF Staines: From Our Court Correspondent

Tim Ireland has now blogged his observations from Paul GuF Staines' court appearance for drunken, uninsured driving leading to three months curfew, 18 months supervision, three months ban. We are struggling to believe his intake is a mere "four bottles a week". Tim was so shocked at the broken man he saw groveling before him, well mainly before the judge, only saving confiscation of his car by having it in Mrs GuF's name, that he is having a month off drink and also eschewing being out after 9pm too. This means he will not be joining Sunny Hundal (or Facebook hordes generally) on protest underground drinkers' Tube Crawls on the 31st May.

Manchester GS: The Home of Lord Snooties?

Not sure that I'd call ex-scholars of Manchester Grammar School "Toffs" as The Daily Mail choose to. Apart from Lord Porridge of course, not in the list, and around nine or ten Lords that are, plus er John Leech MP (allegedly an expellee) and Miles Barter (like Porridge not listed). But it is pretty funny that Labour's "Toff Number One" from Crewe and Nantwich went to fee-paying MGS.

But also that Tories are pursuing the rebuttal on this stuff. They protest too much. Always. Hurt Sadie wishes that the names will never hurt me brigade in the Students' Union had thought "Toff" was the acme of hurtful name calling.


UPDATE 18:15: Hopi Sen examines the evidence, including Tory Class War in a Brent Con Person Leaflet (above).

Missions Accomplished: Great Manchester Run

Target time = sub 45 minutes. Actual time, at a canter, 44 minutes 47 seconds. First k 15 seconds outside schedule, next three 15 inside, next four spot on, ninth k must have been close to 5 minutes, last one again 15 inside.

And to think that in my prime I'd have been running 4:45 miles rather than kilometres and that even in my veteran years I have run fully nine minutes faster for this race.

The average of my first three runs in this particular race in 2003, 2004 and 2005 would have scooped my age group prize by well over a minute. So I'll be getting back to a more serious training regime. With less "strengthening" courtesy of Barbakan cakes and pastries.

Sir Richard Leese OBE fired the klaxon for the women's elite race and then jumped down and ran in the orange wave. Not sure as I tap whether he got inside his 50 minute target but let's hope so. Then despite fervent urgings of sabotage Mr Ottewell will owe him twice as much for the Christie. Richard's own account.

LEESE CHECK: Even better. Richard ran a full minute faster than I did. Impressive. Then again, unlike me, my spies tell me he has been training every day. Perhaps he'd like to contest the sharp end of the M50 category in 2009? Not to mentioning joining his local club? That would be Salford Harriers whose World HQ is at the Blue Bell on Moston Lane.

ABYU WATCHING: My club mate Tomas Abyu, recovering from the bronchitis that slowed his Olympic trial, was among the leading GB runners today. Around ten seconds slower than our one Olympic Marathon selection Dan Robinson. Seems to me it will be a disgrace if he is not offered a place on the team for Beijing. Tomas has run TWO MINUTES faster than Robinson for a full marathon while never benefiting from the financial or other support enjoyed by his rival. And last year he ran the fastest GB time for Half Marathon this decade, placing 4th in the great North Run.

How will the blazers at UKA look if he runs 2:08 to win at Berlin in the autumn when the Beijing Marathon in August is won in 2:11 with Robinson in 15th place in 2:17?

Results Search. Tomas is pictured with Dr Ron Hill MBE, multiple world record breaker and Marathon Champion.

Tory Boy Bloggers: Piling on the Hypocriticals

Iain Dale is rightly getting a right royal rollocking over at his own blog for publishing an account of a meal with Ms Dunwoody and her children at a power-cut hotel. This was obtained by proactive deceit by his accomplice who told TD he was a Labour volunteer.

As it goes the candididate betrayed no confidences whatsoever despite persistent attempts at entrapment from top blogger Dale's scurrilous accomplice, despite the lateness of the hour, despite the blitz spirit in the beleaguered hotel, despite the exhausting schedule she must be following.

Apart from all that, and do read the comments - mine may appear shortly if not censored, Mr Dale has also continued another rather disreputable line of scummy Tory attack. Which is to use this: "Moyra Tamsin Dunwoody-Kneafsy"; her married name, and one which no longer applies to her as she is divorced.

Presumably this is part of the Tory riposte that double-barreled TD is just as posh, in her rural house - valued at 20% of ET's - though sadly without the £53M fortune to go with it, as ET is in his. TD is also without the disingenuous "we had it tough" narrative about her childhood that ET has been parading.

Do you know what? Sometimes he did not manage overseas holidays as he grew up. Poor diddums. My own family did not have a single family holiday NOT staying with rellies in the British Isles when I was growing up.

Meanwhile Dale's utterly-mad and twice-married mate Nadine Dorries MP - who loves to dispense relationship counselling - called herself Bargery in Hazel Grove 2001 and Dorries in 2005. And she's still Dorries now though she has divorced the hubbie to whom she owes her money, her property, her daughters and indeed her political career.

Why has she left him? Because as his progressive disability kicks in he wants to kick off his shoes and go back to South Africa before he deteriorates too much.

Nads was actually Mrs Dorries at the time of both elections. Meanwhile Mr Dale is not giving an inch on his disgraceful tactics.